(Scene is in Monica and Chandler’s home. The septet is seated around the kitchen table and is about to have lunch.)
Phoebe: Guys before we start, I have some really important news to share.
Mike (on cue): Really? Well… this surely calls in for a champagne!
Phoebe: So sorry Mike, but I can’t have any!
Mike: Why not?
Phoebe (exclaiming): Because I am pregnant!
(Mike says ‘ Because you are pregnant’ at the same time, concluding their little skit for the group)
Mike: Ta dah!
(Everyone else whoops and cheers for them.)
Chandler: (getting up from the table) I’ll be back with some champagne and a glass of Tropicana’s finest!
Phoebe: Chandler, you know I really can’t have any!
Chandler: Tropicana? It’s fruit juice, Pheebs!
Phoebe (Banging the table): Oh. Then bring it on, mister!
(Bringing the needful, Chandler serves and hands a glass to everyone. Enthused, Phoebe takes a sip from her glass)
Phoebe (spitting it out): Why does it taste funny?
Ross: You might want to check the expiry. Because if it’s too stale, you are indeed having one of Tropicana’s finest!
Monica: That’s impossible! I throw away all the stuff at least a week before it expires!
(Intrigued, Chandler takes a sip from Phoebe’s glass while everyone watches him in anticipation.)
Chandler(Sighing in pleasure): This is the most intoxicating fruit juice I’ve ever had.
(Scene resumes in the kitchen. Everyone is having lunch and talking enthusiastically with each other. In the meanwhile, Monica is busy helping herself to an almost empty bottle of Wine .)
Chandler (concerned): Mon, are you okay?
Monica (in a tone a little too loud to sound convincing): Of course I am! My best friend is pregnant! How could I not be okay?!
(Monica laughs loudly and drains whatever that had remained in the bottle. All eyes are on her by now .)
Ross: Don’t you think you’ve had a little too much to drink?
Monica (hitting Ross on the shoulder in an overly friendly manner): Stop bossing me around bro! There is one less person eligible to drink. So, I’m just having her share!
Rachel: Errrm.. I think you’ve had all of our shares, sweetie!
Joey: Ross? Is it like a tradition amongst Gellers?
Ross (confused): What?
Joey: To drink themselves into oblivion to avoid sharing their feelings?
Ross and Monica (in unison): No!
Ross: When have we ever done like that?!
(Flashback- 1. Drunk Monica in her 30th birthday party.
2. Ross blabbering on seeing Joey and Rachel together as he drinks all the margarita he had made.)
Rachel: What’s wrong Mon?
Monica: Nothing! Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine!
(Monica says the word ‘fine’ the same way as Ross had when he had difficulty digesting the image of Joey and Rachel as a couple)
Joey: Boy, you two do have a lot in common.
Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a second?
Monica (in a cheery voice): You are doing so right now, buddy! Oops! Second’s up!
(Monica suddenly loses her cheerful demeanour)
(Both leave the kitchen.)
Rachel: I think I know what’s upsetting Mon…
All: Me too.
Rachel: Should we talk about it?
Joey: She will have to get over it!
Chandler (giving Joey a weird look): Eventually, yes.
Joey: I understand it being a big deal for her, but come on! I deal with such stuff everyday!
Everyone (exclaiming): What?!
Mike: What are you talking about?
Joey (as though stating the obvious): Expired products in the fridge of course!
(Everyone rolls their eyes)
Joey: What are you guys talking about?
Mike: We think that Monica’s feeling depressed about not being able to have a baby, especially now since Phoebe and I have been broadcasting that for like an hour… Man, it didn’t even occur to me before…
Ross: It’s not your fault buddy, you don’t have to feel sorry about it.
(A couple seconds pass in silence after which Chandler grabs the Tropicana carton and starts gulping it noisily. Everyone stares at him disapprovingly)
Chandler: Oh come on! So it’s okay for her to be depressed but not me?!
Monica and Chandler’s bedroom
Phoebe (closing the door behind them): Okay. Monica please tell me what’s bothering you?
Phoebe: Uh huh. I think I know it, but I want to hear it from you. Since when did you start shutting up? We are BFF remember? You can tell me. In fact, you should tell me!
Monica (sighing): I’m so sorry I’ve made such a mess of myself. Because I am happy for you Pheebs. I really am.
Phoebe (smiling): I know.
Monica: It’s just that… to know that both of my best friends now have something that I’ve wanted the most… I mean I love Jack and Erica with all my heart, but to know that I’m never going to have this…
(Monica points towards Phoebe’s stomach.)
Phoebe: What? Throwing up every morning, going to pee every half an hour or labour? In fact what you have got is all the fun stuff!
Monica (smiling slightly): Really?
Phoebe (sighing): No. It’s amazing even with all the crap. The attention you get, the bossing… Oh, I’m so gonna screw Mike over this!
Monica (smile widening): See! I wanted the whole package. Don’t get me wrong if I say I’m feeling a bit jealous of you right now.
Phoebe: Oh honey, you can be. Because, I used to be jealous of you as well.
Monica (intrigued): Yeah?
Phoebe: Yes. Until you started dating Chandler, that is. Then it just…(imitates a deflating balloon)
(Monica lets out a small chuckle)
Monica: I’m sorry I sort of stole your thunder. I’m now understanding how it is to be Rachel. I hate myself.
Phoebe: Now that we are alone, I wanted to tell you something. But promise me you won’t tell Rachel.
Monica (frowning): I tell her everything. Just like I tell you.
Phoebe: Not this. We’ll tell her when we have to.
Phoebe: You are going to be our child’s Godmother.
Monica (gasping): Really?! Oh that’s so sweet! Thank you so much!
(Monica embraces Phoebe who gracefully accepts it. A couple seconds later though, she suddenly backs off, frowning.)
Monica (puzzled): What?
Phoebe: I just realised that makes Chandler Godfather…
(Phoebe hesitates for a moment, but later shrugs it off and hugs her again.)
Phoebe: Ehh, screw it. I’ll deal with it later.
(Everyone except Mike is still in their seats, waiting eagerly for either Phoebe or Monica to show up. Mike is busy talking over his phone in the living room and his voice is heard as an indistinct mumble.)
Ross: Wonder what’s going on upstairs?
Rachel: I hope Mon’s okay.
(Phoebe enters and immediately everyone all eyes are on her.)
Rachel: How is she?
Phoebe (speaking in an authoritarian manner): She is now stable but is in a state of deep sleep. Although the good news is that we can certainly hope for a complete recovery once she wakes up.
(Everyone lets out a sigh of relief)
Phoebe: Okay, now that nobody’s asleep over here, I would like to discuss something very important with you guys.
Joey: We are all ears, Pheebs.
Phoebe (Taking a deep breath before speaking): Mike and I are…
(Just then, Mike enters the room)
Mike (speaking urgently, with the cellphone still in his hand): Phoebe, we have to get to Manhattan. My friend from New Orleans will reach JFK in an hour. I’m sorry guys, we have to go.
(Mike heads out while Phoebe seemed to be torn between telling her friends and following Mike)
Mike (from the living room): Pheebs!
Phoebe (annoyed): I’m coming! God, you cannot even a finish a sentence in here!
(Phoebe leaves the room in a hurry)
Rachel (getting up): Oh, I need to get going as well. I’m finally receiving the first delivery for my store today! Wish me luck!
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Best of luck!
Ross (frowning): What’s that on your arm Joe?
(Perplexed, Joey looks at the place where Ross had pointed. It’s something badly scribbled with a marker. Then, glancing at his watch, Joey exclaims in horror)
Joey (standing up): Oh my God! Gina was going to introduce me to my new agent two hours ago! I must go!
(Joey rushes out of the door. Rachel smiles in exasperation and follows suit.)
Ross: I’d better get going as well.
Chandler: Why? You said you had the entire evening free!
Ross: I had, but I don’t wanna miss a free ride back home. See ya!
(Ross heads out of the kitchen. Just then the noise of a car is heard pulling out of the driveway.)
Ross (shouting): Wait for me!
(After a few moments, the front door is heard closing. Having missed the ride, Ross shyly walks into the kitchen. Chandler looks at him with wry amusement.)
Ross (embarrassed): Or, you know, I can just hang out with my best friend. So, what’s up?
(Phoebe is driving and Mike is on the shotgun seat. Rachel and Joey are on the backseat. In the meanwhile, Joey is busy talking with Gina on his cell)
Joey (excited): Really! So I didn’t miss it? That’s great! Yeah! Sure! Okay! Bye!
(Joey ends the call)
Joey: Great news guys! As it turns out, it wasn’t me who messed up the appointment with my new agent. She did!
Rachel: Good for you!
Joey: I know, right?! And to cover up her mistake she was like ‘Oh, the time in LA is 3 hours behind New York!’ I mean, come on! How can she expect me to be so stupid? We all know that time’s the same everywhere!
Rachel: Errrm… It’s not, Joe.
Joey (Laughing): Oh, Stop it! Next you’ll tell me that Time machines exist!
Phoebe (Looking as if someone had told a child that Santa isn’t real): They don’t?!
Rachel (distracted): Pheebs, what are these two suitcases doing at the back of your cab?
(Phoebe and Mike suddenly look uncomfortable)
(Phoebe still doesn’t reply.)
Mike: I’m sorry guys, we should’ve told you before… We are going to JFK not to meet a friend, but to board a plane to New Orleans.
Rachel (confused): I don’t understand. You should’ve told us then! Why lie?
Mike: Because, well… it’s not supposed to be a vacation. We are going there to view what could possibly be our future.
Joey: What?! So are you saying that time in New Orleans is ahead of time in New York! Guys, please now I’m scared. I thought time travel was possible only in movies!
Rachel (rolling her eyes): He doesn’t mean that, Joe! Are you saying that you and Phoebe might be moving to New Orleans?
Phoebe (in a low voice): We might
Joey (exclaiming): What! That’s even worse! No, you can’t do it.
Rachel (pointing accusingly at Joey): Hey! You don’t get a say here because you started it, mister! Whoa!
(Both Rachel and Joey are thrown forward as Phoebe applies the breaks really hard. Looking outside, Joey and Rachel realize that they had reached the intersection where they were supposed to deboard. Rachel gets up and gets out of the car, followed suit by Joey. Before either of them could get a word in though, Phoebe immediately revs up the car and speeds away on the interstate.)
Rachel (pointing accusingly at the cab): This isn’t over!
(Meanwhile, inside the cab…)
Mike: Well…that was bad. And we still haven’t told the rest…
Phoebe: Are you kidding? Rachel was here! I bet everyone will know before we are even out of New York.
(Just then a cellphone begins to ring. The caller ID displays Chandler’s name.)
Phoebe: Told ya!
Monica and Chandler’s living room
( Ross is alone in the living room while Chandler is upstairs taking care of the twins and Monica is still asleep.The doorbell rings)
Ross (gets up and opens the door): Yes?
Woman: Is this 15, Newcastle Avenue?
Ross: Yes, it is!
(Not waiting for an invitation, the woman enters the room and starts looking around the place with curiosity. Puzzled, Ross simply assumes that either Monica or Chandler or maybe both knew her well)
Ross: I’ll get Chandler. Who should I say is here?
Woman: Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Laurie, nice to meet you!
(They shake hands)
Laurie: Nice place you’ve got. Looks even better in person. You guys live together?
Ross (shocked): What?! No! This is my sister’s and her husband’s place.
Laurie (flushing visibly): Oh. My apologies! Might I say that they’ve put a very reasonable price for this. It looks very lovely.
(Embarrassed, Laurie starts walking around the living room and avoids eye contact with Ross)
Ross (confused): What? This house is on sale?!
Laurie: Yeah! They’ve put up an ad in the newspaper.
(Looking visibly upset, Ross heads upstairs)
Ross (on reaching the nursery): Chandler, there’s a woman downstairs…
Chandler (guessing by Ross’s confused expressions): Here to buy our house? Oh it never grows old, does it?
Ross: What do you mean?
Chandler: Our neighbouring house is on sale. Apparently there was a typo in the ad. God, this is like the hundredth time I’ll have to drive someone out of my house. Kinda makes me wish I had let Janice buy the house.
Ross (eyebrows raised): Really?
Chandler (visibly terrified, waving his arms frantically): No! Forget I said it!
Monica and Chandler’s living room
(It’s been a while since the woman left. Ross is seated on the couch, lost in thought. Enter Chandler.)
Chandler (frowning): What’s up? You haven’t said anything since that woman called us a gay couple.
Ross (emerging from his reverie): So are you saying that the neighbouring house is on sale?
Chandler: You got all that from what I said? Impressive!
Ross (rolling his eyes): I mean, can we go see it? Like now?
(Chandler holds Ross’s hands in his while Ross looks baffled)
Chandler: It cannot happen Ross, I’m so sorry. We will never be able to live together. Not as long as Mon stands between us. And how could we do this to Joey!
Ross (annoyed): That’s enough, Chandler! I’m serious!
Chandler (apprehensive): You really are thinking of buying a house?
Ross (mutinous): I don’t know… maybe…
Chandler: What made you think of this?
Ross: Well, after Rachel and I returned home from the Planetarium, we had a little… you know…
Chandler (dramatising): A fight? A row? A skirmish?
Ross (wincing): Let’s call it a debate? Debate is fine. Anyways, it somehow led to…
Ross (smirking): Of course, heh. But that’s not my point. My point is that she told me that if I had proposed to her then, she would’ve said yes!
Chandler (Astonished): Wow…
Ross: Yeah! I mean I really haven’t given it much thought, but I think a house might speak a lot.
Chandler: It certainly will. You sure about this?
Ross: It’s funny that you asked, because I have been asking myself the same question. No. But when has anything ever been certain for us?
Chandler (smiling): Well, it’ll be nice to have you sneak peek at us again.
(Chandler pats Ross affectionately on the back)
Ross (smiling): Only if you promise to shut the curtains whenever needed.
Chandler (laughing): Always, man!
(Both head out of the house)
The neighbouring house
(Both Ross and Chandler are keenly observing the house.)
Ross: I must say, this is a nice place. It’s perfect for us! The bedrooms are nice, the living room is elegant, the kitchen is spacious… not that Rachel would need it though! And there are some preschools very close from here! I mean I can imagine us living here for the rest of our lives pretty well.
Chandler: Yeah it is.
Ross: And thanks to you driving Janice away, I still have a shot at owning this place!
Chandler (half smiling): Well, it wasn’t that difficult. It’s amazing what desperation can make a person do.
Ross: Boy, we sure have grown in the past few months.
Chandler: Sometimes I wonder if everything changes, then how long before we do as well? And what then?
(Just then the front door is thrown wide open and Monica barges in, the freshly woken up look plastered on her face along with a huge frown.)
Monica (Addressing them as though they were a couple of five year olds): I was looking all over the place for you guys and not even one of you thought it was important to tell me that Phoebe and Mike might be moving out of the city! I want both of you inside the house right now!
Both: Yes, Mom!
(Monica glares threateningly at them.)
(Final/ Credits scene)
(Scene is in Joey’s apartment. There is a world map kept on the table. Rachel and Joey appear to be studying it. Chandler is standing a little away from the two, watching the duo with amusement.)
Rachel (pointing as she spoke): So, if you go from this place (very close and to the west of the International date line) to this (very close, although to the east) then you will find yourself a whole day ahead. But if you travel the other way, then you will be going almost a day behind according to the time zones.
Joey(excited): That’s amazing! You should have told me this before! And all these years I’ve been worried about getting old for nothing!
Rachel (confused): How exactly will this stop you from ageing?
Joey: I have a plan! I will go from here to here (pointing to the spot on the west of the international date line) on the day before my birthday just as it gets over. So by the time I reach here (a spot on the east of it), my birthday will have gone by here so I won’t age at all!
Rachel (speechless): Errrm..
Chandler: Nice work, Rach! Knew you could explain it to him.
(Cursing, Rachel hands Chandler a ten dollar bill. Unaware, Joey is still basking the glow of his ‘anti ageing theory.)
(End of episode)